[text] hm. pretty sure you said you were a time lord. the whole mermaid bit’s new.
um what why’s that then?
- [text] Are you lost?
- [text] NO! That was a typo
- [text] Did you buy it?
- [text] I think I’m a mermaid
- [text] I know it’s 3am, but come over and cook for me.
- [text] Too lazy to booty call, so have this text instead
- [text] Need to bury a body, it’s urgent.
- [text] Are you sure there’s no monsters?
- [text] It was an accident.
- [text] lol fuk da police
- [text] send me a picture and i’ll be home quicker ;)
- [text] DO NOT READ THE LAST MESSAGE IT WASN’T MEANT FOR YOU
- [text] Well maybe I broke my tongue!
- [text] Please tell me you’re free today! I’ve got some big news today.
- [text] Got a spare ticket, do you want to come?
- [text] Do you have a spare mankini I can borrow?
- [text] Is fancy dress allowed at the wedding?
- [text] I was using my old baby blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
- [text] We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead… I just rolled off and tapped out.
- [text] Like alphabetically, I’d say a t?
- [text] I’m sorry if throwing up in the back of your dad’s car ruined our friendship :(
- [text] there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night singing karaoke and drink out of juice cartons. don’t judge me.
- [text] I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn’t need it today.
- [text] Do you know where I am?
- [text] My wedding is in 5 hours and I have no idea where I am. Help!
- [text] We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would get a piggy back ride home. I’ve never been so broken.
- [text] Is “head down ass up” an appropriate way to say good morning?
- [text] That is definitely not healthy, in fact I’m not sure it’s legal to send that sort of picture?
- [text] There isn’t enough cookie dough ice cream at home, so I’ll be heartbroken tomorrow instead.
- [text] Not sure if I took a nap or went to another dimension
- [text] ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION! HE IS A TRIPLET, WE DONT NEED TO FIGHT OVER HIM WE CAN HAVE AN ORGY INSTEAD
- [text] No no don’t leave me, who’s going to walk me home
- [text] She wheeled me home in a trolley and sad she loved me, I think I win.
- [text] My dick just got serenaded.
- [text] I ate the whole wheel of cheese. Help.
- [text] I’ve been hiding under the bed for the past 20 minutes, and now they’re getting into it and it’s a little too late for me to jump out and surprise them. So expect a live sex updates
- [text] The fridge is fully stocked. I’m either hallucinating or this is a miracle
- [text] I need you to help me clean the house because I have visitors in less than an hour???
- [text] Your brother is at the front door- WHAT DO I SAY?!
- [text] It’s all fun and games till someone says you’re so pretty they could punch you and they, you know, punch you
- [text] I’m in A&E but I don’t really know why
- [text] Went to bed with a 10, just about woke up with a 2 and a half
- [text] I think I’m officially a homewrecker because his wife just walked in screaming and he said it’s not what it looks like. I mean what else could it look like? I wasn’t trimming his hairs with my mouth?!
- [text] My night ended with me crying in a gutter, I hate you.
- [text] He’s decorated the toilet with his urine. I never want to see him ever again, tell him he has 2 minutes to get out of our house.
- [text] Don’t talk to me! You tried to trade me for a glass of wine and a cigarette!
- [text] I promise I’ll get everyone to jelly wrestle with us xox
- [text] I am armed with a crown, a sash and a bouquet of flowers. Don’t test me.
- [text] I think I got married last night?
- [text] I think I got married on impulse last night… and after looking a second time, I don’t think i’ve made any mistakes.
- [text] My mouth tastes like poor choices
- [text] I didn’t let go of the mechanical bull, but they had to pull me off because… it was rough just the way I like it and I think that showed?
- [text] If I say it was accidental you’ll just say I’m lying
- [text] There is an alarming amount of glitter in my… everywhere
- [text] You’re my hero
- [text] You’re the worst thing to ever happen to me, thank you
- [text] Have you ever had a good idea in your life?
- [text] Are we going to end up in the hospital again?
- [text] It’s not a good night if I don’t end up crying into your mother’s lap.
- [text] Mark my words, your dad will be my sugar daddy, he’ll marry me and you’ll have to call me momma bear and I will interrupt your sex life with condoms and condiments.
- [text] I’m may be allergic to nuts, but not his.
- [text] She high fived me out of pity
- [text] You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
- [text] You just walked in, rated their performance, dragged in three other people to clap for them, then walked back out.
- [text] You kept calling me baby Jesus and trying to see what wise men had to say about my hair…
- [text] I am a responsible adult. I tied up my hair before I puked
- [text] I am a responsible adult, I brought home a lost kitten and let it shit in your room
- [text] I accidentally talked myself into a threesome, when did I become so smooth?
- [text] It may or may not have been your sister…
- [text] It may or may not have been your brother…
- [text] If you’re not coming over with food, don’t come over at all
- [text] Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My co-worker is talking to me about her birds having sex again…
- [text] IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
- [text] Buy me a helicopter, I will give you the last slice of pizza. pls. this is important. okay maybe the crust?
- [text] Let’s never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
- [text] I tried to put lipstick on my eyeballs, help.
- [text] I told her my cum counts as protein shake and she sent a text to my gran saying I ate her cat.
- [text] If you don’t fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we’re alone in your room, I’m returning you to the boyfriend store
- [text] I accidentally sexted your mum, I’m sorry xox
- [text] There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
- [text] I feel like you’re pretending I didn’t bail you out of jail last night for trying to staple a cushion to the top of their car so you had a “comfy place to sit”
- [text] You climbed the fence and then started crying because you were scared of hamsters, I really don’t know what you took, but you need a babysitter.
- [text] I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a “let’s fuck” way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of “let me wash your hair” way.
Matt Smith could have been such a wonderful doctor… if Moffat hadn’t been writing the show.
woop there it is
"I’ve only got one life, Rose Tyler. I could spend it with you, if you want"
"You’ll grow old at the same time as me?"
requested reversal of this meme.